Michael (Mike) Soussan

Resume

Summary of Qualifications:

• I am hard working and focused on my work to the point of paranoia… because only the paranoid survive.
• I am a team player and will occasionally and on purpose pick my nose, mumble incomprehensibly and swat imaginary bees just to make others feel good about themselves.
• My personality type is not A, more likely to be closer to the middle of the alphabet, so my head is normally cool and I rarely take work related criticism personally.
• I am honest even if most people think that trust is not relevant when everybody is lying.
• I strive to build both my personal and work life on sound ethical and moral principles. I loath those people whose concept of personal growth is an erection.
• I never procrastinate. I never put off till tomorrow what I can avoid today.
• I am resilient. You know what they say, if there is a will, I want to be in it.
• I am a staunch optimist and am always upbeat. The only thing to get me down is gravity.
• I love working for companies that tolerate dissent and are not afraid of new ideas because as I say “unless you suffer rebellious souls with gladness, your city will languish under the claws of poverty and madness”.
• I do no like workplace politics but I can live with it, thank God I have a good sense of humor.
• I am smart but I do, occasionally, take brakes.
• I am a visionary, adept at turning insane ideas into realities… for better of for worst. I also think ahead and play all possible scenarios in my head. I have rarely been caught with my pants down.
• I am well spoken and always strive to keep my mouth free of feet.
• I am a good communicator but by no means a master of confrontation who speaks in verbal jabs, but believe me I will find the words to let you know if you fu… pollute the team spirit and hamper success. I also excel at taking the most complex problem and conceptualize it so that the solution is obvious and easy to understand… I am known as The Problemator.
• I am considerate to others. I never threaten anyone to kick him in the groin for interrupting me or call him dumb-ass-son-of-a-bitch for not doing his work properly and I never tell someone that she is a complete idiot. I make sure to reassure her that there are some parts missing.
• I am compassionate with the ignorant and the timid but ruthless with the lazy and indifferent.


Weeknesses

Can’t see any. As they say, men’s faults do seldom to themselves appear.

Experience

-Travel Agent: Responsible for sending many into guilt trips.
-Trader: Excelled at trading insults with flair
-Real Estate: Designed a system that helped uncover the real state of realestate: unreal, look at the prices.
-Internet: Came up with the catch phrase "Enter not here I should evoke, for ye shall most assuredly exit broke".

Education

Yes. However, nevertheless and even though I am a proponent of education by subtraction: the less you learn, the more you know. In any case, It has been downhill after the Greeks: we are but cavemen with cellphones.

Skills:

• I am computer literate even if I know well that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• I live on the cutting edge of my industry and I can tell you, it is sharp and it hurts.
• I can speak many foreign languages… but only when I am really mad.
• I am a very creative individual and count myself among the first few humans to discover that Saturdays and Sundays have mornings.
• I thrive in changing environments. Let’s face it, change is inevitable… except for parking meters and the stupid vending machine at work.
• I am dependable. It all depends on how much you pay me.
• I excel in what I do and provide the best quality work possible and once in a while I will call upon your heart to compensate me accordingly.
• I am a global traveler and voracious reader and despise anyone whose only culture is bacteria.
• I believe that money does not necessarily bring happiness but I also realize that a lack of it will stress one out. Surely, I am very mindful of the bottom line because lets face it, money talks, even if all mine ever says is goodbye.
• My greatest fear is that my neighborhood bar will quit serving my favorite Belgian beer.
• I love art and music and have a keen eye for beauty even if some say that beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• And if you ever wondered, yes, I did learn the meaning of life… and it happened a few years ago while I was drinking Aquavit in a sweltering sauna full of naked Finish people. But since them, some bastard changed it and it doesn’t mean the same thing anymore.

Hobbies and Activities

• I am a good cook and practice safe eating. I always use condiments.
• I like my coffee strong. You know what they say, coffee, chocolate and women better when rich.
• I am a moderate drinker. As Ares told Jove -If you dance with Bacchus too long you'll fall on Uranus.
• I exercise regularly. I am very intent at developing my abs once I find their whereabouts.
• I am a responsible citizen. I recycle and use renewable energy when I can. I am sad that our society is designed around wastefulness and inefficiency and that most people head to the call to save gas by farting in jars.
• I value human life even when I know that If there was a cosmic stock market that traded on 'value of human life' shares, these would probably be listed as junk bonds.
• My favorite sport is golf. It takes a lot of balls to play golf like I do.
• I am well traveled and lived extensively in several countries in four continents. On that vein, I am very sad to report that yes, plumbers, no matter what country, no matter what race, can’t keep the crack of their ass from showing.


The Bernard Pivot Questionnaire

• What is your favorite word? Fantastic
• What is your least favorite word? Absolutely
• What turns you on? The idea that one day I will get my life together and bask in blissful idiotic happiness.
• What turns you off? Foul smelling odors, and I don’t care where they come from.
• What sound do you love? The sound of a Ferrari engine cranking up and I am the one driving.
• What sound do you hate? The sound of a Ferrari engine cranking up and I am just watching.
• What is your favorite curse word? Mannaggia ... forgive my Italian.
• What profession other than yours would you like to attempt? International Travel Reporter for the Food Channel.
• What profession would you not like to participate in? A zoo poop collector. I am not a big fan of wild animals.
• If Heaven exists what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Cigar and Cognac party starts at 7 pm, just down the hall at the Paradise Café. You wont miss it, just look for the neon sign that says Nude Girls.


  Keywords: Resume, Funny Resumes, Humor

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